The Guide to an EmoAvenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha
by NinjaPower
Summary: Sequel to Guide to Bastard: NH -I'm Sakura and I'll be your guide to Sasuke Uchiha, a.k.a the Emo-Avenger Bastard. Want to be his girlfriend? I'm an expert at him so in no time you'll be his friend/girlfriend! Warning may cause mental/physical damage RxR
1. Introduction

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 1- Introduction

Hi, I'm Sakura Haruno and I'll be your guide into Sasuke's head and mind. I'll tell you everything you need to know about him. I was oh so nicely convinced by Tenten after the astounding success of "The Guide to the Cold-hearted Bastard: Neji Hyuga," that she decided that there needed to be a version for Sasuke. Yeah right, who am I kidding, Tenten threatened me with her pointy weapons of doom to do it and I felt sorry for her because she was going to get hunted down by Neji if she didn't. Now that we've cleared up any confusions, lets get to the point. I know all you Neji's fangirls are probably here after the heart-wrenching news that Neji got with a girl…not just any girl. The girl that gave you the tips to get the guy…then took him for her self, the one the only Tenten! And then the more wrenching news that the wing in the hospital for fangirls suddenly expanded that day, due to massive weapon injuries…its so painful isn't it. And now all of you are here to try you're luck at Sasuke. HA! clears throat That was mean, let me try it again in a nicer way, HAHAHA!!! Yes, that's nicer than the other one. Yes, I'm slightly nicer than Tenten and no I will not spare you any pity. Now that is done let my layout how this guide will work.

The format is similar to last times except for one less part, the family part, because he has no family. Cut the sobbing until after I'm done talking, will you? Thank you, now continuing on, there will be two sections: how to be his friend and how to be his girlfriend. I think that's simple enough. Now I'll see you next time.

Bidding adieu,

Sakura Haruno


	2. How an Emoavenger Bastard acts

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 2- How an Emo-avenger Bastard acts

Now let's get one thing cleared up before we begin. I'm way over Sasuke. We're more like friends who have a very close relationship. So fangirls can stop glaring at me now!! Just wanted to mention that. I, Sakura Haruno, am over Sasuke Uchiha. If I ever do something that counters that statement, I swear to go out on one date with Rock Lee and to stop fighting with Ino.

Now let's get started. Don't get the bastard categories confused. Being a Cold-hearted Bastard and an Emo-Avenger Bastard are two very different things, one is just more colder than the other and the other is more angsty than the other. Yeah, that made a lot of sense. But you get my point, everything that was advised for Cold-hearted bastard (that we shall now call CH bastard since it takes way to long to type out) is invalid for Emo-Avenger Bastard (now called EA bastard for the same reasons). So if you're a CH Bastard previous reader, erase everything you learned from that or you could just ignore it all, it's up to you. So let's get started;

1) EA Bastards act Emolike and Avenger-like. Doesn't make sense? Let me explain it at a lower level for you all. It means that he's very depressed and out for revenge…it still doesn't make sense? Let's try again. He is sad and mad. That's as clear as I can possibly get without killing you.

2) EA Bastards have a tendency to act violently without much warning. So you could be skipping down the street on a normal day and if you do as much as one wrong move…you could be in the hospital for a month. Trust me, I've treated some of those patients, they are fully scarred for life. One time, one patient started muttering about evil tomatoes attacking him.

3) EA Bastards, like CH bastards, are very prideful. They would sacrifice anything to be top or best. Even if it means following after a pedophile snake guy who has a little too much interest for little boys. He even beat up a girl one time, though it might have been a special case since the girl was 7 feet tall and looked like she was on steroids. Mou! Want to see the time where he almost lost his pride? Here you go!

It was your average day, Kakashi was late, Naruto was being annoying, and Sasuke was being a bastard. Yessiree, it was perfectly normal, except for one slight thing;

" NO WAY! Is that what I think it is!?!" Naruto yelled bugging Sasuke for the millionth time.

Sasuke returned a glare at him, "No, and stop it dobe."

"I am NOT a dobe," Naruto yelled back pushing at Sasuke, which caused something to fall out of Sasuke's pocket.

plop

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Umm…is that what I think it is?"

"…"

"Naruto, poke it with a stick."

"What!! Why should I poke it!?! You do it!"

"…"

"I'm not poking it! Besides it's all dirty…say, Sasuke, why did you have that in your pocket in the first place?"

"I think Sasuke has a little obsessions over-ack!"  
"If you two tell anyone anything about what you saw, you won't see daylight every again…got it?" Two heads, one held by a hand being choked and the other ten yards away, nodded simultaneously. "Good."

I would tell you what I saw, but the threat still holds even today. I really wish I could, but I can't. One, Sasuke would kill me. Two, I'd cause the world to go deaf by the squeals by all of Neji plus Sasuke's fangirls, and three, I wouldn't have anything to blackmail him with later on. So, I'll decide to keep quiet…for now.

4) EA bastards tend to think about getting revenge every 10 seconds. Yes, I did the math so don't doubt my work. No matter where they are or what they're doing, they will always have a moment where they will stare of into space thinking about getting revenge.

Don't believe me? Fine then, watch this:

It was everyday training, Naruto and Sasuke beating each other up, Kakashi reading his book and me watching while studying my scrolls. Naruto and Sasuke were really going at it.

"RASENGAN!!!"

"CHIDORI!"

clang clash

"Ow!" smirk

"TEME!!!"  
"…dobe."

"You're going down, teme!"  
clank thud

"TEME?? TEME?"

Kakashi didn't even bother to look up from his book, "Sasuke did it again."

"He revenaged out?"

"Yup."

"…Should we tell Naruto that?" They both looked up to see Naruto doing a victory around Sasuke's unconscious body, "I think it's better just to let Naruto keep thinking that way."

...See, I wasn't lying.

5) One thing that must realize about EA Bastards is that they preoccupy every single bit of time they can to angsting over revenge. Let me show you again:

One day Naruto was walking down the street on his way to Ichiaraku, again, when he happened to cross by Sasuke, "Hey teme, want to go get some ramen?" All he got was a blank look. Naruto stared into his face.

"Yoo hoo, any emo home?"

Odd mumbling.

Then Naruto did what every person wishes they could do to him…no, not molest him, geez get your head out of the gutter! Naruto started making faces at Sasuke, doing the weirdest poses, mooned him (personally I'm glad at this point that Sasuke wasn't paying attention, if he had, Sasuke wouldn't be right…er…less right in the head than he already is), and when Sasuke still didn't respond, still mumbling. Naruto finally got a clue and started listening to what Sasuke was mumbling.

"Itachi…kill…emo…tomato…Pooky…avenge…" Yeah…exactly, and I swear I do _not_ know who Pooky is!

Another instance:

"Yo teme, want to go and get ramen with us afterwards?" Naruto asked one day after training. We made a habit of having dinner together as team atleast once a week, even if it meant dragging someone there unconscious.

"Not today, I'm busy." two sets of eyebrows raise

"…um…doing what?"

"Plotting ways to kill Itachi." two sweatdrops add to those raised eyebrows

And incase you ever want to know, I have the unprinted versions of the, "Plots against Itachi" by Sasuke Uchiha. You know, just wanting to earn some extra cash…

Of course, Sasuke is much more complex than that, but of course this is the general things about him. So until next time, you can day dream about whatever and I'll be over there keeping my sanity and not being killed by Sasuke.

Tata for now,

Sakura


	3. First Impressions

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 3- First Impressions

First Impressions are important. He keeps a notebook, which I like to call, "The big book of Emoness," in which he categorizes everyone he knows into a list. Don't try to go look for it, because it's under the most tight security. Believe me, Kakashi tried as a "challenge" for Gai and here's what happened the next day;

"…nee, Kakashi-sensei, why is your hair blue and has chicken feathers in it?"

"You also forgot the Uchiha sign painted on his back and the sign that says, "I just got emocized the Sasuke Uchiha," …oh no you didn't!?!"

"Yes, Children, that is why when you see a guy in green spandex and bowl-cut hair, you should run far far away."

"Kakashi-sensei, I've told you many times NOT to try to read that book of his, your lucky he isn't here to take pictures."

"…you needs Sasuke with cameras when you have Naruto with a camera?"

"…Just hold still, Sensei. On second thought, strike a pose!"

Yeah, the next couple of days were not pretty. Sasuke tried to hurt Kakahi-sensei, but Kakashi-sensei did a "Thousand years of Pain" on Sasuke for the paint that took weeks to come out, and then did it on Naruto for posting those pictures all around town, while I just stood far far away from them.

But I regress, so unless you want to end up on some unknown column on Sasuke's list, I suggest you listen up. There are many things that you need to do and things you can't do, all of which are very oddly specific and require a tomato…just joking about the tomato part, though it might soften him up.

1) When talking to him for the first time, stand 5 feet away from him. It ruins his "breathing air." Pssh yeah right, he's just trying to find a reason to make himself better than he actually is, but for now play by his silly little rules or else you might end up like Shino. You didn't actually think Shino was born that strange did you? Shino was actually quite a chipper and active kid when he was little…that is until that day. That day that ruined his life forever and scarred him as weird. The day he decided to cross Sasuke Uchiha…

Back on the first day of Acedemy-

Shino is skipping along wearing a t-shirt, yes believe it! No jacket that covers his mouth, and be prepared to be even more shock…he's not wearing sunglasses!! EVERY ONE RUN FOR THEIR LIVES!!! Just joking about the running; serious about the no sunglasses. That's how much he was scarred. He did the unspeakable…

"HI, I'm Shino Aburame! Who are you!?!" Shino said, loudly, grasping Sasuke's hand and shaking it. There were instant death glares around him. Evil eyes appear, "How dare you do that!" Then unspeakable things occurred…poor Shino, no kid should go through that torture at such a young age.

So remember, 5 feet away if you want to play it safe make it 7 feet. If you go too far, he won't hear you. Actually he can, he'll just ignore you.

2) Bow before and after you talk to him- Remember, I said these little rules were stupid, and they still are now. He's so arrogant that you do have to bow. His head is so big that I'm surprised that he has room to store anything in his house. Really, he give Neji's head a run for its kunai, but don't tell him that or else it'll get bigger and he'll fall over on his side like a turtle.

3) Don't look him straight in the eyes or else will have a horrible urge to go kill yourself slowly and painfully. Seriously, every time he sees a stranger, he purposely makes his eyes as blank and evil as possible, at other times, they're just pain creepy.

4) For now, treat him like a semigod and say what you need to say and then leave. That's it, nothing more.

All of these rules seem silly, but they have reasoning behind it. Trust me, I had to learn the hard way and so did poor Shino…they had to make a grave for his lost childhood. It was a very sad moment.

A moment to morn the loss,

Sakura


	4. How to act like an EA Bastard

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 4- How to act like EA bastard

Acting like an EA bastard is very hard. Naruto and Kiba had a bet to see who could act like a EA bastard the longest and guess who won. If you guessed Kiba you were wrong, it was Akamaru. Naruto and Kiba both cracked after 10 seconds. Akamaru can sure hold glare. EA bastards have to be very well trained to be good EA bastards, almost professionally trained. Sasuke has had a long time to perfect his art. And now I'm passing on his art without him knowing it, just don't tell him or he'll be after me.

1) Master the look- you have to have the blank creepy look at goes inside the person's soul. It can't be over creepy, for that'll make you look like a freak and it can't be too blank or else you'll just look stupid. It has to be the right combination of blankness and creepiness. Try practicing in front of a mirror, and I won't advise using it until its mastered, if you do, don't expect great results.

2) Next the glare- The glare has to be perfect to be a good EA bastard. It has to be sharp daggers, not dull kunais. There is a difference. Dull kunais will get their attention but not have the same impact as sharp daggers that make you want to get the heck out of there. Here's a way to see if it works; go to a busy street and glare at any stranger and if they react in the right way, which will be running down the streets for their mommies and an ice cream cone, then your good.

3) The walk- The walk isn't that important to the CH Bastard, but its imperative to the EA bastard. Ok, follow these steps;

1. Hands in pockets, a definite must, without it, you just look like an anorexic curved pocky stick.

2. Slouch in your stomach, not you back. It's difficult, but look on the bright side, you get to work your abdominals! And a one and a two, suck those stomachs in! Fine, I'll stop now.

Anyways, to make sure your doing this step right stand sideways in front of a mirror. The shape should be something like this; ( or if your standing the other way like this ) Of course your feet shouldn't be floating, but you get the point.

3. Have your head slightly tilted down as if you don't give a damn about the world, which you are supposed to. Make sure your eye level is above their head, like your better than them. Though you probably aren't, you poser, but I'm going to pretend like your freak and you're going to pretend like I didn't just insult you. Nice to know we're on the same terms.

4. Now put it all together and walk in a slow swagger as in very slow steps that make Kakashi look like a cheetah. Now practice this up and down your hallway and when your mom asks what you're doing, tell her you're giving her grandchildren and she'll leave you alone or call the nice people with the white jackets.

4) Be Quiet- never say more than you have to. Most of the time it's either "Hn…" or "…dobe," that's all there is to it. You just have to choose the right word at the right time. The right word will explain everything you want to say in a couple of syllables.

5) Get a glassy look every 10 seconds and pretend like you have something to go emo over and plot their revenge. And as someone asked me before, the rising price of Pocky does _not_ count as a reason to go emo.

That's all you need to know now. Next time, prepare how to look like an EA Bastard.

Going to buy some pocky and wave it in front of your face,

Sakura


	5. How to look like an EA Bastard

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 5- How to look like EA bastard

How you look can affect if you're a good EA bastard or not. Let's look at a couple examples of people's clothing and how people regard them as.

Ex. 1- Rock Lee

Green spandex, bowl-cut hair, and a shiny smile

One this just screams "I'm special and I embrace it!" In his case, it really does. This will automatically put you on the Nerd list in a girl's head. Avoid anything spandex if possible.

Ex. 2- Naruto Uzumaki

Black and Orange jacket with orange pants, spikey blond hair and whiskers.

Naruto is a little better than Rock Lee, but the thing that ruins it for Naruto is the too much orange. You want to avoid too much of one color. Unless it's black, you can't over do black, that is unless your skin is black and you have black eyes with black hair. Anyways, try to mix things up. Color coordinate. Naruto has the right hair, but it would be better if he change the pants.

Ex. 3- Kiba Inuzaki

Black leather jacket, black pants, with brown spiky hair and red marks on his face.

Now note that we're just grading on first appearances, not on personality. We're doing the first appearance thing. Kiba actually does a good job. He projects a "bad boy" look with his leather jacket and his mischievous smirk. If you want to bad boy look, follow Kiba's example, but all of you are here for the EA bastard look.

Ex. 4- Neji Hyuga

Long hair, in Hyuga robes

Everyone's favorite comparison to Sasuke, Neji has more of a Cold hearted bastard if you couldn't tell. He's more of the mysterious guy than a tall dark and handsome guy like Sasuke. Do not think that I like him just because I called him tall dark and handsome, I'm just stating the truth.

So this is how you attempt to copy the EA look.

1) Get a signature hair style- preferably after an animal's body part. Sasuke has chicken butt hair. All bastards have some kind of animal hair, Neji has a horse's mane hair. So go try to have some kind of animal hair. Just ask your barber for the "animal special." They'll understand. You could try to have a rat's butt hair, no one's claimed that yet.

2) Get a signature symbol- Both Sasuke and Neji both have their clan symbol, you could make up your own signal or do anything but mimic Neji or Sasuke's signal. If you do, that would be the ultimate poser sign.

3) Get a signature glare- it has to be patented to be signature, so keep practicing that glare!

4) Wear a specific color all the time- whether that be blue to pink, I don't give a rat's butt, just pick a color and stick to it.

That's the basics of how to look like an EA bastard. If you're really that desperate that no one will be able to tell, just put a sign on your back that says, "I'm an EA bastard." Everyone will get the message.

Going to the hospital in preparation for "bastard" accidents,

Sakura


	6. How to act around a EA Bastard

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 6- How to act around an EA bastard

Now, you may think that I've covered everything in the chapter about first impressions, didn't you? Well you're wrong and you have to act the same around any kind of bastard, so in this chapter, we have a special guest. You all may remember her from the predecessor, TENTEN! For the sake not to confuse you, Tenten will be writing in a different font. Now say hi, Tenten.

_Hi everybody! I remember when I was doing this…hey, have I seen you before?_

Yes, Tenten. You broke many hearts when you started dating Neji. So many of Neji's fangirls became Sasuke's fangirls

_Figures, pitiful as normal. So how to act around a bastard. This should be interesting._

Yup, want to get started?

_Why not. Ok, so do we have a system?_

How about I give the advice and you comment?

_Got it!_

Ok, let's begin class

1) Not like fangirl

_Definitely number one. No bastard likes a fangirl chasing after and clinging on to him. In fact no guy does, except for the desperate ones._

Yeah, so remember this one close and dear

_Kind of like you do Sasuke or Neji's picture_

Tenten!

_What they're asking for it by reading this!_

Doesn't mean you have to say it!

_Don't even try lying, you know you were thinking it._

…so?

_Ha!_

Whatever, moving on.

2) Use common sense

_This means if you see Sasuke punching a hole in the wall, it's not a good time to talk to him. RUN AWAY!!! THE EMO IS GOING TO ATTACK!!!_

Very funny…but true…so it means, do what the situation calls for

_And we're not talking about jumping him just because he's half naked._

I don't think they were thinking that.

_Oh really?_

…

_You're drooling. Imagining a particular someone half naked?_

Of course not! Anyways, here's an example of someone who didn't use common sense

A spring day after academy Sasuke was being emo, again, and was irritated. Everyone felt it, event the poor trees trembled in his path, and they couldn't even go anywhere,

_When two young fools decided to ignore the irritated aura that promised pain that surrounded Sasuke and decided to bring their trivial arguments upon him._

_"SASUKE-KUN!!!" A blond hair girl pounced on him, "Tell me this, who do you like better, me or this **thing**__over there?" The thing was running up to Sasuke and grabbing his arm, "Sasuke-kun, don't tell me you like this pig!?!" You could slowly see the steam coming out of Sasuke's ear at full heat. The two girls were being idiots and ignoring these signs, again. Before the two could continued, Sasuke threw the two girls off and pinned them to the tree, "I DON"T LIKE EITHER OF YOU, SO F& OFF!" Sasuke then stomped off. The two girls pinned, which took hours for someone to find them, looked at each other and screamed at the same time, "HE TALKED TO ME!!" and then…_

_"HE TALKED TO ME!"_

_"NO ME!'_

_"YOU WISH!"_

_Yup, so don't do anything like this. Sakura knows from personally experience, don't you?_

Well, I was young and stupid back then…IT WAS ALL INO'S FAULT!! Those kunais and senbons ripped my favorite shirt!

_See once a fangirl, always a fangirl._

What about you Tenten? Did you use to have a big crush on Neji?

_Sure if you mean I was plotting to crush him under his big ego and chock him to death._

But you're dating him now.

_ Sure that's because he's changed. Naruto hit some common sense into him._

Anyways, moving on.

3) Treat him like a normal person

_The more you treat him like a normal person, the more he'll pay attention to you. Everyone treats him like a god, and he thinks its annoying, so do the opposite and it'll be a fresh sense of reality._

Wow, that was awfully nice. No sarcastic remarks there.

_That's because you weren't paying close attention._

So there is a sarcastic remark?

_Yup and while she's trying to find the sarcasm, I'll show the next one._

_4)Bow down in front of him and call him god…just joking. With respect and self-pride_

_ This means if Sasuke is making sexist remarks…punch him hard. If he deserves something give it to him, and not your virginity. I mean if he's being disrespectful, stupid (which is most of the time) or just plain silly, tell him. He's human (somewhere in there) and he makes mistakes (yeah, like going with that snake pedophile)._

Sasuke was trying to get revenge.

_Going with a snake pedophile is definitely the wrong way. I mean look at his tongue, I can imagine that snake dude doing disturbing and creepy things to Sasuke while he's sleeping._

Thank you for putting that disturbing image in my brain. Now I need to wash it out with soap and bleach it. Besides that, that sums up today's lesson. I would like to thank Tenten (Though the fact that you have a disturbing mind) for helping today's lesson.

Getting the soap out,

Sakura

_Going to corrupt Sakura's mind more,_

_ Tenten_


	7. Conversations

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 7- Conversations

As you may know from personal experience or from rumors, probably the latter, but EA bastards, and bastards in generally, are people of few words. So here are some topics to get them talking or paying attention to you.

1) Revenge- A bit tedious to hear over a long period of time, but trust me, one you get his rolling, he never stops. Even better, pretend like (or if you really do) have someone you need to get revenge on (and not because a girl bought the shirt that you swore that you saw first or someone took the last box of pocky) and exchange revenge plans. You'll be like little revenge buddies in no time.

2) Training- An easy one to do, if you're a ninja, which most of you are probably not. But the trick here is that you have to extremely talented or capable of challenging him or else he'll ignore you or beat you up into a pulp. So if you try this method, I would really suggest training, a lot.

3) Curse marks- this one is a weird one to do. You could either really get a curse mark (and risk death and disfiguration) or just draw one on, but drawing one on risks the chance of him figuring out it's a fake, which puts you down the list of people to ignore really quick. But let's pretend you manage to get away with this and he accepts that your curse mark is real, talk about the bastard that put it on, how much you love the power it gives you, and how horrible you look after you use it. If you really want to make an impression, photoshop a picture of you "after" the curse mark transformation, or you could just give him the picture of you normally and just say you're always on curse mark transformation.

4) How great Sasuke is- No really, He'll practically jump you for the chance. The more you talk about him, in a good way, the more he'll goad you to keep talking about him. Vain, I know, but really that's the only way he retains his bastardness. So here's how to approach it, you don't want to seem too obvious (if that's even possible),

a) walk up to him, make it look accidental, casually comment on something, like "Oh, you're hair looks so cool today. Is it a new type of gel?"

b) He'll instantly smirk and start talking about himself more

c) and all you have to do is keep complimenting him and your set to go

d) Now here's the problem, once he starts talking about himself, he doesn't stop. He keep going, and going, and going. So to keep the status of good favor your in right now, or will be, you have to end the conversation nicely. A "Oh look at the time, I'll talk to you later," or a "Oh I totally lost track of time, I was suppose to be a while ago. Maybe we could talk more later," will suffice. The important thing to do is hint at another encounter or chance for him to talk about himself more. This will make you seem accessible but not desperate, the most important line to keep in balance when approaching him.

5) How much you hate your siblings- If you don't have a sibling, fill it in with a cousin or make one up, but it has to been someone close to your age. It can't be your aunt's brother's wife's daughter's friend's deceased friend that's twice removed, that will not work at all, in fact you'd probably have him staring off in space for 20 minutes trying to connect how that relates you to that…whatever I said before. So casually mention that you recently had a fight with a sibling or relative and you hate his guts. He won't say anything, but if he gives you a look with a raised eye brow, continue on. This means he's curious, the more you talk, hopefully the more he'll listen. Note the hopefully.

Now there are plenty more topics to talk about, but these are the only ones you can talk about right now. You can't talk about baby names until your married. I haven't told you how to act during a conversation, that's next chapter, so until then, just come up with topics and a pretend story behind what you're going to say. You really don't want any loop holes in the information you give if, if you ever give it. Trust me, you'll really regret it.

Going to the hospital to treat those who didn't listen to my advice,

Sakura

--author's note--

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Make your resolutions! My resolution to you readers is to update as much as I can! This semester I'll have more time to do that! And also I'll bring more of the Guide series than ever! yeah!! -confetti falls- I'll party from the west coast and everyone else can just party!

Saying bye for the last time in 07'

NinjaPower


	8. How to act during a conversation

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 8- How to act during conversations and meetings with an EA bastard

Now, while talking about the right things can help your conversation with him, how you act is also a big thing too. If you're drooling at him, he's going to be disturbed. Any guy or person would be. Well…maybe Jiraiya wouldn't be. He'd probably just grope you…moving on. Anyways, so that you last longer in the conversation than "hi," here's what you should do.

1) Act normal, and if you're weird in general, act like a sane person who isn't obsessed. This means imagine in the place of Sasuke a guy that you know, and get along with (it'd be weird if you started mauling Sasuke imagining him a guy that you hate), and resume from there. The key thing to do here is not to make any sudden moves or else you'll get attacked. So this means;

a. No drooling

b. No glazing of eyes imaging your 3 thousand little Sasuke's running around in a chibi style.

c. No trying to rip of his clothes or molesting him

d. This also means no molesting him with your eyes too. Don't think I don't have every possible situation thought up already.

e. No hugging him to death

f. No touching him in general. It apparently ruins his "bastardness." I'd laugh if he wasn't being serious.

g. No talking about nonexistent, not possible future. A.k.a future Mrs. Uchiha, or Uchiha or future kids, colors, songs, clothing, or the sorts.

h. No "I heart you Sasuke" posters, banners, t-shirts, headbands, bracelets, necklaces, tattoos, underwear, skirts, or piercing of the sorts.

2) Know how to fend of other fan girls that will be trying to talk to him- self explanatory. You know you act so just outsmart yourself, if that's possible for you.

3) Make it look casual- though you may have been following him for hours looking for our opportune moment, make it look like you "just" happened to be in front of his house, while your house is on the other side of town in Suna. That might be a little hard to do. Good luck!

4) Pretend like he isn't a bastard, hot, a genius, or prick, or the fact that he may be half naked if you happen to interrupt his training. A little imagination will go a long way.

5) No evil cackling or laughing, not everything Sasuke says is funny, actually most of it isn't. So don't pretend to laugh at his nonexistent jokes. It doesn't work.

6) Make sure to remember to breath. Some girls purposely stop breathing hoping that Sasuke will do CPR on them…hasn't happened yet. All you'll do is turn blue and kneel over and die. Sasuke would probably laugh. And if you suddenly stop breathing, and not on purpose, make sure to have a shocker attached to your side that will buzz every 30 seconds to remind you to breath. It may seem stupid that someone would forget to breath, but you have not seen the amount of blue-faced girls who have come into the hospital, have you?

7) NOT LIKE A SLUT!!!

Well, that pretty much sums it up. Now, you can try to have a conversation with him. Note try. The first time is bound to be a failure, but don't give up. Keep trying over and over again, until Sasuke gets so annoyed with you that he kills you.

Bye!

Sakura

---author's note---

Isn't today just marvelous!?! It's a Friday! ...and it's pouring cat's and dogs where I am right now...I like rain and all, but not when there's a miniature lake in the bookstore parking lot...

So...I'm in a slump...a senioritis slump. It's impossible to get out of it. It's like being in a sand pit. Maybe I'll just build a sand castle while I'm down here.

Tata for now,

NinjaPower


	9. How to become his friend

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 9- How to become his friend

I probably said this somewhere before, but I'll say it again in case you forgot it or missed it…HA! Here again, you play the poor innocent fool who has no clue. Just because you talked to him, doesn't mean that he thinks you're his friend. You could be the bug on the window that's been dead for weeks but haven't been cleaned off because who wants to touch a dead bug that's been roasting on the window? …I'm sorry that sounded mean. Let me try again. You could be a figment of his consciousness that gets ignored and blurred out. There that's better! So now that you realize reality, let me show you how to become his friend and to help us is….give a round of applause….ROCK LEE!!!

_Hello my Precious Flower!!! I am so honored that you'd ask me to help you in such a time of crisis!_

…Umm….sure…and don't call me your precious flower.

_Then may I call you my Lovely rose?_

No.

_Beautiful Dewdrop?_

Lee….

_Sweet Cherry Blossom?_

LEE!! If you don't stop that, I'll just go ask Konomaru to help!

_NOOO!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!! I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY!!!!_

That's a good little boy. Now do these things on the list.

_YES MA'AM!!_

Now that he's gone, I'll tell you the truth. The truth is that I gave him a list of things _not_ to do when trying to become his friend. Now just watch Lee and I'll explain as we go along.

Ok, Lee is now approaching the target. Let's observe

_"Hello, my wonderful rival! How are you on the blessed day!?!"_

**"…hn" **Sasuke is ignoring him right now. Rule number one, if he isn't paying attention to you, don't even try communicating to him, everything is going in one ear and coming out the other.

"_hn, back to you my friend! Let's celebrate this marvelous day by having all day marathon training!"_

**"…no," **Sasuke has a twitch under his eye now, this is a big sign to run and get the heck out of there and that you're doing something majorly wrong, but for the sake of this exercise and Lee's persistence, he's going to keep going.

**_"_**_Why, my Wonderful Rival, you will never get girls if you're not strong and courageous!" _Major mistake to unknowingly insult him, so watch your words for any hidden meanings.

"…" Total silence plus twitching is never a good thing, this means he's at level 3 anger, from level 1 being annoyance to level 10 going out all emo and destroying the world with an evil cackle and a creepy smile. Wait for it…

PUNCH There it is. Look at Lee fly…ouch…that's got to hurt. Well I've got to get him to the hospital. Before I do, I'll tell you what he did wrong, and what to do right.

1) Give him his space, and by space if could be from 5 feet to a thousand miles for all you know. It all depends on the person, and with Lee to Sasuke, you can't get far enough.

2) Don't make him mad, even if you hate his guts, still don't do this. Sasuke was only at a level 3, imagine him doing a level 10 anger on you. Your life would be a living hell, if it isn't already.

3) Watch for his emotions- if he's pissed, leave him alone. This is kind of like talking to a starving tiger, one wrong move and your dead or decapitated, which means the same thing.

Umm…Lee's losing a lot of blood, so I better deal with him now.

Bye,

Sakura

--author's note--

You've got to love Lee...


	10. End of Friend Section

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 10- End of Friend Section

At this point, if you're not friends yet, or even acquaintances, give it up. It's not going to work so find someone else to obsess about, one that doesn't have a girlfriend/boyfriend. For those who have managed to have some degree of success, good luck at keep that loving, long-silenced relationship. I can do no more for you besides heal you when you're near dead at the hands of Sasuke's avenger-filled dark mind…

Just remember one thing…If at first you don't succeed, go find a psychiatrist, you definitely have problems.

Moving on,

Sakura

P.S. Yes, I know it's short and no I really don't care. And yes, the boyfriend/girlfriend section is up next so you can have a reason to live...and no it's not my time of month!

---author's note---

I think Sakura is lying...NO!!! DON'T HURT ME!!!! OW! MY SPLEEN!

(static)

and that concludes NinjaPower's random hour! Next time, watch Naruto get eaten by a ramen shark while juggling a knife, flaming torch, and Kakashi reading a real book that isn't Icha Icha Paradise!


	11. Start of BoyfriendGirlfriend Section

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 11- Start of Boyfriend/Girlfriend Section

The moment most of you have been waiting for….the boyfriend/girlfriend section! Those of you, who have ignored my warnings that Sasuke doesn't bend that way, but still want to try, be my guest. It'll be amusing. But for general, let me give you a warning; I am not responsible for any emotional/bodily damage that occurs at dispensing advice. Whatever happens, happens and don't blame me for it. I told you it was going to be difficult. So here's how it's going to go.

1)Breathe…and remove all traces of Mrs. Uchiha from your mind and space (I wouldn't want to raise your hopes too early)

2)Stop thinking of Sasuke as a God…it might be difficult for some, but it is a necessary step. The less you make him see invicible, the more likely you will be able to act normal around him

3)Know that there are other worthy guys out there. Just because there not the greatest of the bundle, doesn't mean their good in their own way. Not getting Sasuke isn't the end of the world.

4)You're going to hand over all your money…fine, you don't have to. If you do, I might give you some better advice (nudge nudge wink wink).

All you can do at this point, is just relax and breathe.

Hoping to get some cash,

Sakura Haruno

a.k.a Expert on all things Sasuke-like

---author's note---

...maybe she's an expert in more things than Sasuke-like things than she claims, if you get my hint.


	12. Sasuke's Perfect Girl

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 12- Sasuke's Perfect Girl

For those of you who are willing to change yourself just for a guy, listen up. This is your chapter. Embrace it! Make love it…yeah, really this is just an ideal list. No one is really this way. Seriously. Let the coocoo world begin.

1) A Ninja- a kind of duh for Sasuke. Like he'd want a weak girl or a wimp, and no I'm not asking for any comments or insults. Such behavior will lead to pain and death, not necessarily in that order.

2) Thin- Being Sasuke (which Sasuke vain), he'd want someone to "match" him, so tall (but not taller than him, that hurts little Sasuke, if you know what I mean), pretty (but not prettier than him), and talented (…not in the art of seduction).

3) Obedient- Someone who'd listen and obey his every little whim. Ugh, I feel like barfing. I'm sorry but this list is starting to annoy me. If you _really_ want him that much, be my guest, but listening to his every whim!? Have you even listened to his whims? SO ANNOYING AND STUPID!! One time he wanted one of us (either Naruto or me) to go to Suna to get some water…like the water here wasn't good or anything…moron. –sigh- anyways, have a party with this one.

4) Strong- if you're a smart little student, you know what's coming up next…but not stronger than Sasuke. Very good for those of you who knew the answer, for those who didn't, you failed the next requirement.

5) Smart- can't be a dull light bulb. Dull light bulbs annoy Sasuke and an annoyed Sasuke equals a pissed and irritated Sasuke and a pissed an irritated Sasuke equals a longer working shift for me! –takes a deep breath- So if you're stupid and you know it, GIVE IT UP!! I NEED A FREAKIN' BREAK!!

6) A good cook- Sasuke is very picky in what he eats, very. He only either eats from Ichiraku or from someone he likes, which rarely happens.

7) Knows when to shut up- enough said.

8) Like tomatoes- Don't ask me, it's just a requirement. I'm the messenger.

9) Is right handed- I'm warning you now, the list from this point on is really weird and oddly specific.

10) Has a special natural hair color- another "what the heck?" requirement

11) Has bright colored eyes- I swear! I'm not making this up. If I was, I'd be a lot for entertaining.

12) A medic- I swear…moron.

So that's about it, the real thing is longer but I gave you the condensed version. Trust me, you want the condensed version. So do with it as you please.

Going to do a psychological test on Sasuke,

Sakura Haruno

--author note--

HI, it's NinjaPower back from the grave! I took a month long break for the last month of school but now I'm back and ready to update! So since I know you missed me sssoooo much, you're going to review, right?


	13. How to Flirt with Sasuke

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 13- How to flirt with Sasuke

Sasuke has two sides of him; a flirty cocky one and a nonresponsive-talking-to-an-ice-pillar-with-a-mask-on one. I personally prefer the flirty cocky one, it's less awkward. So to prevent the talking to an ice pillar, here's some tips to keep in mind while trying to heat things up between you and the talkable-but-never-does ice pillar.

1) He's all ego- so the best way to his flirty side (or atleast keep his attention) is to go straight for his ego. Like Chouji and his stomach, Sasuke and his egos are best buddies and share everything, including hair gel.

2) He doesn't care about you unless you personally knew Itachi and want to have a ranting competition, though there are flaws in this plan. One; Itachi kills everyone that meets him. Two; This will distract from you and him into him and Itachi. Once you start down the road, it takes a tomato buffet to bring him back.

3) Deep down he's human…somewhere. If you manage to find it, use it as blackmail against him. He doesn't want people to find out that he has human nature installed in him.

4) Every time you talk to him, he's mentally editing everything you say. So if he hates you on sight, he'll change everything you say into something he'd think you'd say even if you're complimenting him to the end of the world.

5) Never mention Orichimaru, never a good topic for him. If you do, he'll start emocizing ahead of his planned time, but now he'll emocize for a _long_ time.

6) Bribe him with food. If you have food, he'll never turn you down, unless it's broccoli. Somehow he managed to come up with the conclusion that broccoli was the enemy of the tomato and must be destroyed. Don't ask me how or when, but I think Kakashi had something to do with it.

7) You're a talking head, unless you have massive weapons (real ones, I'm not using a sexual innuendo right now), so don't bother dressing slutty. He won't notice.

8) If you're not a ninja, go away. As quoted by him, your "not worthy of his attention."

So have fun with these tips, first practice with a mirror. You don't know what topics to talk about and to avoid yet. If you do, I can't guarantee victory.

Knowing that some of you might ignore me,

Sakura Haruno

--author's note--

_...Sasuke...Sasuke...Sasuke, he's worse than Neji _and he's proud of that.  
NinjaPower signing out!  



	14. What to not talk about with Sasuke GF

Naruto

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Disclaimer- I do not own Sasuke, his bastardness, Sakura's teaching style. I just own the "guide" series.

Chapter 14- What to not talk about with Sasuke (potential girlfriend style)

As that comes with the territory of a complex Sasuke comes complex conversations and limits and restrictions on which boundaries one can cross and one cannot cross.

The Biggies-

1) Family-

most people who know him or have any common sense or emotions would have a clue to avoid talking about his tragic past and crappy family (a.k.a Itachi) but if you really need to be told. FAMILY IS OFF LIMITS UNLESS YOUR ON GOOD TERMS WITH HIM, that is with him saying so, not on your own ideas that you are. Many girls have somehow come up with idea that they are on great terms with Sasuke and can just annoy him as much as you can. Well, excuse me! You're not the one who has to deal with a pissed off and most definitely violent Sasuke! If it wasn't for Naruto and I being his human punch bags, there would have been dead bodies all over the street!

2) Orichimaru-

Even the creep is dead and decapitated, he's still not a proper subject choice, though I don't know why you would want to talk about that pedophile anyways. He was so twisted in so many ways, he makes Jiraiya seem innocent. So no talkie about dead snakie! Unless you're doing training together and you're punching a sandbag with his face on it. (What!? You haven't done that before?)

3) The whole "Leaving Konoha and officially being labeled as a traitor" situation-

It'll be long while before that situation is talkable. Plain and clear

4) His Issues

Quote un quote, "I do not have issues and if you ask me again, I'm going to stuff this (being the nearest sharpest object, often a large shurikan) up your (word equivalent to butt)" Then after he starts his emocized mumblings again. Yeah, real convincing, but still he doesn't want to acknowledge them yet, they are not "worthy" of his attention right now. So don't try to play his psychologist. He hasn't had a good time with them.

5) His past psychologist experiences-

I know that some would actually be curious enough to ask him. Resist, I asked him and he didn't kill me (he'd probably kill you), but they are scary, even for me. It's amazing Sasuke came out in relatively one piece, mentally and physically.

6) Broccoli-

As mentioned in the previous chapter, broccoli is the enemy to the tomato and Sasuke is loyal to the tomato, so by even acknowledging that broccoli exists puts you on the "tomato traitor, let's hate her by ignoring her into killing herself list" if it was a guy it would be by a different name.

7) Gai-sensei

There was a particular scaring moment in one of the challenges that Kakashi and Gai sensei did that Sasuke happened to come across. To report the clear details, here we have Tenten!

_Hello everyone!_

Nice to have you back again.

_Aw, it's no problem, especially if it's clean up control for Gai-sensei.-Sigh- I always have to do it._

Ok, then. Let's get started, so when was it?

_From what I know, it was the summer Sasuke got back. He was still on probation and had to have Kakashi with him at all times._

Now, it's starting to clear up.

_Totally. So it was being on a Tuesday at 8:30, when Gai-sensei had to idea to compete with Kakashi…in sumo wrestling…_

Ewww….

_Well, it gets worse._

There's worse?

_Yup, Sasuke, being forced to stay around and add the skeptical the challenge brought, was watching…and then it happened. Such a loss of a sane mind._

You mean semi-sane?

_Oh, right, yeah semi-sane. So the point is, there was a 'slight slip' and things were revealed._

Do you mean a penis?

_No, Sasuke's a guy, I think…, but let's pretend for a moment that he really is a guy and if he was, I think he'd have seen one before. It was much worse._

I have no clue what it was.

_The signs of old age._

Wrinkles…scars…cellulite?

_Bingo was his name oh! We have a winner!_

Gai-sensei has cellulite?

_You don't want to know what else he has._

I think we'll just leave as it is.

_Wise decision._

Thanks Tenten for helping us out and how are things going with your boyfriend?

_Perfectly fine from the viewpoint that the boyfriend is a bastard._

…nice to know you two are happy?

_Oh, there he is with 20 pounds of chocolate! Bye!_

Ok, that was just weird for me. Moving on!

-

The minors:

1) Comparing him to Neji-

This gets him riled up and wants to go immediately to poke at Neji to irritate him. Sasuke has always had some inferiority towards Neji. Probably because Neji has better hair then him…

2) Reviving his Clan-

He knows he needs to and he'll do it due time, on his own time. So he asked me to tell you that he's not that desperate to revive the clan by marrying any of you…yeah that hurt. He'll do it time, so don't cry me a river.

3) Beef Ramen-

There was a slight mishap involving Naruto, too much ramen, and barfing range. He can't stand the smell of it anymore.

1) Girl talk

He doesn't care how totally adorably cute that awesome top is or how fat or not fat you are. As I said, right now you're a talking head, so be a talking head over there.

So these are things _not_ to talk about. Next chapter we'll have the things to talk about.

Feeling irritated for some odd reason,

_ Sakura_

--author's note--

Tired and being sick is not pleasant at all.

NinjaPower signing out!


	15. What to talk about with Sasuke GH style

Naruto

The Guide to the Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Disclaimer- I do not own Sasuke, his bastardness, Sakura's teaching style. I just own the "guide" series.

Chapter 15- What to talk about (GF Style)

Now today, to talk about GF style, we bring in the specialist in flirting…Ino!! Everyone give her a round of applause (but not bigger than you normally give me. I get the bigger one, she's only a guest!)

_…Hi, I'm Ino…and why can't I get a bigger around of applause, obviously they you as much as they like me. I'm the specialist here._

I'm also a specialist.

_In Sasuke…how simple. On the other hand, I'm a specialist in flirting that can be applied to everyone._

You use to be obcessed about Sasuke. Why aren't you going crazy asking questions?

_Ehh, I use to, then you came out with this. So then I figured that all the girls that love Sasuke, plus Neji was too much to compete with. Some of those girls are psycho. I'm cannot deal with that._

…You, of all people call them psycho. So moving on, Ino is help us explain what to talk about with Sasuke the girlfriend style!!

_Ok, the first thing to understand is that with normal guys it doesn't matter as much as what you say as how you say it. With Sasuke, it's the total opposite. Though he tunes out words, which makes it harder, you need to make every word count. Sakura has already gone over some cautionary topics so I will do some sure fire safe topics._

_1) __Training._

He's obcessed with it enough. If training was a girl, he'd probably marry her and have 5000 Uchiha offspring.

_…ok, I can only think of one thing to say…ewww…._

Sorry, but true.

_That's the eww part._

_2) __How good he looks_

_ The cautionary part of this is that you don't want to sound over the top making you sound like a stalker. Once you're in that area, you can never get out of it. Trust me, after years of this, I never get the name off._

_3) __Food except for any enemy of the tomato and sugar_

_Everyone can relate to food and there absolutely nothing that can go wrong here, except if you don't eat at all, then something might be wrong._

_…Sakura, why aren't you adding any commentary._

I don't feel like it today. That's why I have you!

_…I so abused. Continuing on, _

_4) __Baggin on others._

_Yeah, that's how it goes. Just make sure the person your bagging doesn't know your bagging or don't bag so hard. That might get you into trouble later on._

_5) __How cool he is_

_Number 2 explanation applies here as well. _

Why are you shortening your explanations?

_Because I feel like It, besides Sasuke is kind of…ugh._

Good ugh or bad ugh.

_There'a good ugh? Not the point, the point is that if you can even talk to him more than 5 minutes it's a miracle so why should I spend so much more time one it. Sasuke is not worth making a while guide on, no one has a chance._

Then why did Tenten write one for Neji?

_It was either that or knitting, you can only do so much when your weapons have been taken away from you._

Shopping?

_Tenten._

Right, so basically we're leaving it to you to crash and burn (insert innocent yet snorting laugh on the inside smile)  
See you next time!

Sakura

_Don't forget Ino!_

And Ino.

--author's note--

College life makes people lazy and forget time.

NinjaPower signing out!


	16. How to keep Sasuke’s attention more

Naruto-

The Guide to an Emo-Avenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 16- How to keep Sasuke's attention more than 5 minutes that doesn't involve an assasin attempt or flashing.

Normally in previous Guide experience (Though little very useful) there has never been such a…specific title, but as Sasuke you need specific. I've brought another special guest this time. Welcome….Hinata!

_Hello Everyone. I hope I can be of service._

Of course you can. You're related to the other bastard.

_…I'm not related to Gaara._

I didn't refer to Gaara.

_But you said other bastard. The other refers to Suna. Neji's the Cold-Hearted bastard. Sasuke's the EmoAvenger Bastard. Shikamaru's the Annoying Bastard. Gaara's the other Bastard and Itachi's the Bastard._

I didn't know we had so many bastards in Konoha.

_I forgot to add some, but those are the famous ones._

There's more?

_Kakashi, Sai, Shino, etc. etc._

That's a lot of Guides.

_You're telling me. I know most of them._

We're getting off topic. So how do you get Neji's attention?

_Bribery._

You make him sound five.

_Bastards in a way are kids stuck in hot men bodies._

…Ackwardly true. So what do you bribe him with?

_Something he likes. For example with Neji, if I need him to be somwhere where he doesn't want to be I set a trap. Have a secret Hyuga arts book sitting innocently on a trunk and then when he picks it up. WHAM caught in a trap like a rat. Sigh, it brings me pleasure to be able to trick him._

That sounds a little too easy. Wouldn't he know it's a trap by now?

_That's the thing, you have to get inside his head and be a step ahead of him. So for Sasuke's example, I'd first have a plate of tomate onigiri laced with the highest quantity of sleep potion that won't kill him with a note saying it's from Sakura-_

Why me? 

_Aaahh…..no reason and then wrap him in a chakra sapping note from heck to food then chain him in heavy metal lock and ball and then tie him to a heavy tree trunk. _

It sounds like you've thought of this for a while.

_Nnoooooo, no no no, it **sounds**__that way, but it isn't. _

Ok so that's how you force him to have your attention, but how do you do it if you can't afford…all that.

_Ehh…….._

Coming up dry?

_Just a moment. It takes a while._

Is there any action or-

_Ah!_

Got something?

_You hypnotize him! If you do that you can make him do anything you want!_

I'm sure some have already though of that.

_Not the Hyuga style of hyponotizing…_

I don't want to know….Actually I want to know. Spill.

_You use your Byuakan stare into his eyes and Zap! Instant slave for life. Of course it works on those who don't have Byuakan. _

These are nice ideas and all, but any ordinary ideas? 

_Sure, Just start with "Sakura told me…" _

Huh?

_Trust me it if you say "Sakura told me that you're a god damn son of a bitch." He'll listen and he'll even ask for more information._

Really? Wait a minute, I would never say that. Except when I'm angry or hormonal. I do say that a lot actually.

_You could also say "Soeinfewinol"_

What?

_See? Of course he'll look at you weird and think your crazy, but you'll get his attention._

Good to know. Umm.. Hinata? Are you alright?

_Never better. Why?_

You've been acting a little strange lately.

_ Really? Couldn't tell. Well, that's all for today. Bye!_

I'm the one who ends it though.

_Sorry, it's over._

But

_OVER. BYE!_

_---_author's note---

Naruto's lessons have been helping.

NinjaPower


	17. How to ask him out

Naruto

The Guide to an EmoAvenger Bastard: Sasuke Uchiha

Chapter 17- How to ask him out

I'm assuming at this point that you haven't tried to ask him out yet. You wouldn't if you were sane and cared about your life. So let's get started with the dreaded task.

First, there are some requirements that you must pass for him to even consider going out with you.

1) Must be able to hold his attention (if needed impliment Hinata's odd yet some how rational ideas)

2) Either be a major masochist or a bigger sadist than Sasuke.

3) Be able to run fast for long distances

4) Be able to cook 10 different types of tomato dishes and 10 dishes to relieve his gas issues from all the tomatos.

5) Must not be near breaking or cracking point of sanity. The reason for this is one insane person plus one sane person is bad enough, but having one insane person plus one near insane person is horrible. Sasuke induces insanity.

6) Must be willing to give up living.

So if you think you, achieve these results, Congradulations! You're stupid and crazy! You win the chance at being shot down by Sasuke, our ever so loving Emo-avenging Bastard!

First thing first, appearance.

1) Running clothes. Meaning now uncomfortable or high healed shoes. You need a quick get away if things go sour. Which they probably will.

2) Hair can't get in your face, again with the running away thing. If you can't see, then you'll run into a tree. Whee….that was me being sarcastic. Yay me.

3) No extreme makeup. Mascara hurts when it runs into your eyes. Plus its not like it's going to help you any better.

4) If you cry easily, bring lots of tissues. He will make you cry. He'll laugh while making you cry. He'll cackle and grin evilly while making you cry. You get the picture?

5) Oh, yeah, bring a camera if you want to catch a picure of his released insanenesss. Then run.

Next: Lines

How you go up to him is important. Never bother him during training and make sure when you start talking he isn't on emomode. It will be awkward when he comes out of it and stares at you blankly. Trust me, when I was a novice at Sasukeism, I often made that mistake. It was very awkward. Very.

So then your lines. Make sure you write lines ahead of time, because I can swear you are going to get nervous and blabber some random things out. Stick to the lines.

Don't go for cheesy lines such as "I can't live without you, " because for one, you can, and two it just screams "I'm desperate and if you refuse me I'm going to wipe out the store of ice cream and anything sweet." Sweets are his enemy.

Be normal (if you don't know what normal is, reference…te- no, she's weird. Shika-no, he can be considered weird. Ok, anyone I don't know. They're probably normal. I hope.)

Timing:

Make sure he's on break, but not with friends (he calls them associates, but really they're friends). No asking in notes, delivered or not. And don't ask when it's raining, sunny, or if it's a Wednesdays. Those are exclusively his angst ridden days (and this somewhat makes sense. Wednesday is the saddest day of them all.)

So time for examples:

First:

It was a bright _sunny_ spring day years back when the world was still innocent and when he was only known as a the Uchiha jerk (he received his bastard standing that summer), I, my innocent naïve self, hid behind a tree in hopes of being with my one (not anymore) true love.

He was walking back from school, scowling, kicking a rock along the path. Being brave(stupid), I jumped up from behind the tree and yelled, "Sasuke I love you! Will you go- Ow!"

Even then he had good aim, shot right in the middle of my forehead. I can still feel the pain. Everytime I get a headache, it always goes right there. I can say that I tried numerous times.

Another time of mine:

It was Valentines' day (another day not to do it), and I held my homemade chocolates that I spent forever making, putting my sweat, tears, and blood into it. I managed to catch him on his way home from school.

"Sasuke!" I held out the lovingly wrapped box, "Please take it."

He stared at it for a while before taking it. I swear I felt my heart rip into two as roughly ripped it open and popped a chocolate in without even looking at the fine detail that I put into it! And then it gets worse!

"…," he chewed a while, "Too salty."

He left me there with my ripped soul as he wandered off to kill of more hearts! Bastard.

Ah, here's one that doesn't involve me.  
Ino, was another of his casualties. One day, she was stupid enough to hand him a note in class.

"Please read this," even though she knew everyone would be watching, she hoped that he would have some sympathy.

RIP! Not.

I don't want to say what happened next. You can just use your imaginations and fill in the blanks.  
-

Oh, here's an interesting one.

"Sasuke Uchiha!"

Sasuke turned around in the middle of the road. It was a weekend and after we had graduated.

"I REALLY don't want to do this," Tenten tapped her foot irritatingly, "But, will you go out with me? Just one time."

"Hmmm."

"Oh, don't give me that," Tenten muttered, "I know you're enjoying this. It won't kill you." Then I didn't understand what he said, but apparently she was fluent in bastard talk by then.

He raised his eyebrow.

She frowned, "I'm being dared. It can be a training date."

"…" he gazed a while longer, "Fine."

I know weird. Maybe you all should pretend you're being dared, but then again Tenten is special. Well, good luck!

Sakura Haruno wishing you luck (sincerely for once).

----

Thanks from NinjaPower


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